So, what are some “best practices” for helping families in your congregation care for their children with autism? While I do not have all the answers, I have a few recommendations based on my over ten years of experience working with children with autism and their families.
First, get to know the family and their child.
- You can do this by inviting the family over for dinner or offering to take the family out for lunch after a religious service
- Tools for care:
- Be genuine – from my experience, parents know when others are just offering pity rather than authentic care and concern; they want people who genuinely care about them and their child.
- Be curious – asking questions can be a way to show genuine care and concern, and it helps you to learn more about their child and family.
- Be patient – one thing I have learned is to be patient. Things will come up, and frequently things will not go according to plan. When things come up, be kind, gracious, and compassionate.
- Be okay “not knowing” – in my ten years of working with children with autism and their families, I spent a lot of time not knowing what to do and say. The most helpful intervention, when I was struggling with what to do or say, was to rest in that place of discomfort and be patient. It is not your responsibility to “know” what to do or say. Being present is powerful.
- Be comfortable being uncomfortable – likely, you will experience discomfort if you have not spent a lot of time around children who have autism. Understanding and interpreting what is “normal” or “not normal” for a child with autism can create discomfort and anxiety. Be patient and give yourself permission to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
Second, when you have gotten to know the family, ask them what they need.
- To refer to the first suggestion, “be curious”. Do not assume to know or understand what a family needs. Asking a family what they need rather than assuming and doing puts the needs of the family and their child first.
- Things you can offer: (from my experience, parents have appreciated the following)
- A night off – offer to take their child to dinner, dessert, and a movie
- Bowling, mini golf, arcades, malls, and water parks have been places that many of my previous clients have enjoyed.
- Host a party – this can be at your place or theirs, but do the planning, preparation, and provide. Families with children who have autism are very busy, sometimes very stressed, and may not have time to plan, prepare, and provide for parties except for special occasions.
- A night off – offer to take their child to dinner, dessert, and a movie
Third, invite or hire an applied behavioral analyst (ABA) to host a workshop on autism for your congregation.
- Education facilitates congregational and community formation that empowers and equips people in the congregation to acquire knowledge to know “how to”. Through education, congregations and care ministers can organically develop their own ideas for care.
Fourth, encourage children in your congregation (including your own) to spend time with children who have autism in the community and/or at school.
- When I was in high school, I joined a “best buddies” program. I spent many of my lunches hanging out with kids who had special needs and autism. The power of friendship can be life giving. By encouraging your children to develop these friendships, you will also create opportunities to get to know parents outside the congregation who have children with autism.
Fifth, do research to understand how parents obtain resources for their child.
- Parents can struggle to find and obtain resources. You can become an advocate for parents looking for the best resources to fit their needs. In addition, by getting to know your community partners, you can provide not just resources, but relationships that can equip and empower parents to care for their children.
Sixth, invite children with autism to become a part of your service.
- As I have found, families often struggle to come to church regularly. If you recruit and involve their child to be a part of your service this can become a fun event that the family and their child look forward to every week. This goes beyond social support to foster inclusion. Their children can be great ushers, greeters, prayer ministers, lectors, or acolytes. In addition, exposure facilitates interactions that build bridges between the family, their child, and your congregation.
* For more information on caring for children and youth, visit our youth ministry tools and training page.
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